I struggle with following through. So much in fact that I
sat down and wrote this in a word document before I even created a blog because
I was afraid I would not follow through with writing this. I have always
struggled with following through. And I can’t blame it on anyone expect for
myself. My other has followed through with everything she said she was going to
do, from adopting four children, raising and homeschooling all seven of her
children, to writing a book about it ( in the process of being published). My
Dad, has never broken a promise to me. He is the hardest worker I have ever
known, and basically is the king of following through. He never forgets
anything. I on the other hand, never finish anything. Its true. Anything I
start I will at some point in the middle, or near the end, drop. Someone has to
stand behind me half Sometimes it feels physically impossible for me (but its
not). High school, I was good all the way up until my senior year, and then I
just stopped. My mom had to stand by my side for the last six months and watch
me do everything. College, I made it to my second semester of my freshman year.
Yes, not very far. When I started struggling with going to classes. I’ve taken
this semester off (second semester of my junior year) and now I’m going back
and forth on whether I should even go back to college. And its not only the big
things I struggle with, its small things to. Things like finishing a book, or
keeping up a conversation via text, or even replying to a quick question ask me
over text. Making a phone call, or drinking a cup of coffee, finishing a
project I started, (something to hold my jewelry in, wedding pictures, etc.)
are all things I struggle with finishing or following through. Some of them may
seem like small things that don’t matter, like coffee, but it is starting to
effect my life in a big way. I had to take the semester off because I failed
over half my classes to semesters ago, some because I didn’t finish or do
homework, some because I didn’t even bother to go. I struggle with following
through. My relationship with God should be thriving, GROWING, after all I was
a youth pastors wife and now I’m part of a church plant. But its not. I start a
reading program, sometimes one that’s out of a book, or off an app on my phone,
sometimes its one that I’ve just created in my head. I always fail at following
through with it. Sometimes right away, sometimes a month into it. I don’t
follow through.
Tonight is church night for us (Seth and I) we have it every
Tuesday night at our house (doors are open at 5! We have dinner!!). So today
consisted of me cleaning the house. Loading and unloading the dish washer,
vacuuming the bedroom and living room, and last but not least cleaning those
not so fun bathrooms (or at least that’s what you think). Cleaning is fun for
me. Cleaning is the one thing I do not struggle with following through on. I’m
serious. I could clean all day and all night and not get tired of it. Not stop.
Why? That’s the question I asked myself all day long. Over the past three
months I have had break down after break down and panic attack after panic
attack( not a true panic attack just “panicking”). “What am I going to do with
my life?!...Am I really just going to babysit for the rest of my life?! I can’t do that! I just can’t!” Sure I
want kids more than anything, but at this point in my life I have no
accomplishments, nothing to show. Now don’t try to tell me I do, its true I
don’t, and I’m not trying to throw myself a pity party, I am just stating
facts. Its true, I (me) have messed up everything I have every really truly
worked for by not following through (playing the violin, and close friendship
are just a few more things). So back to the cleaning thing, all day I was
wondering why I could follow through on cleaning, and nothing else. And then it
hit me. I control how everything looks when I clean. I know beyond a shadow of
a doubt what my house will look like when it’s done. Because I control how it
will look. I like controlling the outcome. With almost everything else in my
life, I feel like it’s a guessing game. I have no clue what will happen when I
finish college, or even what my test and papers will look like. I don’t know
how the other person will respond when I answer their question (via text). But
most importantly I don’t’ know what area of my life God is going to start
working on in my quiet time with Him. And there are a lot of areas that need
working on. Life in general scares me. I feel too small and afraid of failer to
face up and finish anything. I quit the violin because I didn’t know what I
would have to do in college to actually be good at music. I quit friendships
because I’m afraid of how they will look down the road. I don’t finish books
because I’m afraid that they will not end the way I expect them to end. I am a
scaredy cat, and this translates into my life by me not following through with
things.
So I am starting this blog, to help me stay accountable. To
help me follow through with things. I don’t know if it will actually work. I
hope it will. I don’t want this to be something else I don’t follow through
with. I will finish this.
This life sentence
that I’m serving, I admit that I’m every bit deserving, but the beauty of grace
is that it makes life unfair.
